Broken
by HarlotQuinn
Summary: Johnny's been gone for... who knows how long. And over time Devi's fear changed to a depressed longing. When he shows back up in town, Devi rushes to him, only their reunion doesn't go quiet as she expected. Nny is more broken then he's ever been before. And Devi has to put the pieces back together again.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Still. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying. But all rights to Jhonen Vasquez and Slave Labor Graphics.

A/N: Oh look… she wrote another one.

-O-

_You broke me, you know. Into a million tiny pieces, just fragments of the woman that I used to be._

_You made me fall in love with you, you know? I didn't really realize it until… well… you know. _

_But I did… do,,,_

_God, I was so scared for a while. I hid, and when I did go out, I could swear that I saw you everywhere I turned. Your shadow was always there. _

_I'd hear about you on the news. Another body, another gruesome murder._

_You scare me to death._

_But… you're gone now. Ran off to who knows where. And now, now that I don't hear about you. I worry. _

_Because, at least when those news stories came on, I knew you were still alive. _

_I understand you a little better now. Whatever force that drove you… it latched on to me too. I almost lost myself. _

_I can't imagine what you went through. _

_You already said you're sorry. And… now it's my turn. _

_I'm sorry, Nny. God… I'm sorry._

_I love you….._

Devi's eyes fluttered open, sticking slightly, because of tears. She woke up crying far too often anymore. What used to be nightmares, where now horrible dreams. In some of them, she would see his shadow, but try as she might, she could never find him. Or, she would, and he would be dead, lying in a pool of his own blood. She couldn't help but wonder where he was.

The change had started right after she banished Sickness from her mind. So much started to make sense. She fought it at first. Refusing to forgive. Denying any possibility that there could be any reason for his actions other than him being a complete psychopath.

But then she remembered the phone call.

She remembered seeing him outside the bookstore, almost in tears.

She remembered Sickness' words. "_Your friend thought he could fight too."_

Had he really tried? Was it just too much for him? And now he was lost in this sea of insanity, with no way out.. That thought, it broke her heart. And at that revelation, all that she ever felt for him came rushing back to her in a tidal wave. It had nearly laid her own. After that, she'd sank into a depression that stretched for weeks. Making her draw back even more into her self.

She was just now pulling herself out of that. Her unemployment was drying up, and she found herself a new job. It was nothing really nice or cool. And it sure as hell didn't involve painting.

She worked in a butcher shop. Her days now consisted of mutilating and hacking dead animals into specific cuts of meat, and she always came home smelling like death. But it paid well. And since it was only five hours a day it left her a ton of time to paint on her own time. She'd already sold a couple pieces to a few local galleries.

She was saving up to buy a small house just outside the city. It was a fixer upper, but that was why she wanted it. A place to finally make her own.

So, all in all, things weren't really too bad. Except for this gaping, painful hole in her heart.

Devi groaned and rolled out of her bed, stretching herself out so her back popped a few times. It was only eight in the morning, but she never managed to get back to sleep after those dreams. So she opted for getting some painting done before work, then maybe she'd actually stop and get breakfast. It had been a good day and a half since she'd eaten.

Devi stepped into her drawing room and slipped on her apron. After setting up a new canvas, she spread some blue, black and red paint on her pallet, and got to work. Sometimes she didn't think as she painted. Sometimes things just happened and she let them. This was one of those times.

And so she let it flow. Her brush made shapes and shades over the canvas, and she hummed softly to herself. Her mind wandered over what she needed to do this week. She had three days off after today. Tenna had mentioned wanting to go to a club, the idea had some merit, assuming Devi didn't feel like death when she got home tonight. The theater was showing a bunch of super gorey b movies, since Halloween was in a couple weeks. That seemed like a hell of a lot more fun, to be honest. Or.. she could do what she always did and stay home, locked in her drawing room until she had something decent to sell. Or, she could be adventurous and do all three! Devi snorted, like that was going to happen.

Devi focused long enough to see that she was painting a rose, a black one, lying in a pool of blood. She blinked, tilting her head. It was oddly beautiful, and.. symbolic. Fucking dreams, she groaned, and jumped when she heard her front door bang open.

"DEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" *SQUEEK!* She heard from her living room, and sighed in defeat. Did the woman ever fucking sleep?! Ugh. After wiping off her hands, she left the painting to dry and went out to the front room, where Tenna was flipping through channels, trying to find something.

"The hell, Ten?" Devi groaned, but Tenna held up a finger.

"You know all those super gruesome murders that were happening last year? The ones that suddenly stopped?"

Devi's breath caught in her throat, and she gulped. "Yeah… what about them?"

Tenna didn't answer, instead she turned up the television. On the screen was an image of someone being loaded into an ambulance, there was blood all over the place. She felt her heart stop.

"_Officers aren't sure what time the murder occurred, and it's unclear just what happened, The only evidence found at the scene was a 24/7 store Super Mega Ass brain-freezie cup, with the remains of what looks like some Cheery Doom slush in the bottom.-_"

Devi stopped paying attention. Brutal murder, cherry brain-freezie… "Nny…" She whispered, and Tenna blinked at her as she rushed through the apartment, slipping on some black sneakers and grabbing her coat.

"Dev!" The darker woman yelled as the purple haired woman ran out the door. Devi didn't pay attention, she was flying down the steps, jumping over entire sets occasionally, and was downstairs in a matter of a minute. She wasn't thinking. She was just going. Barely even remembering that she had a car. She took a moment to dig her keys out of her pocket and jumped in. Devi shoved the keys into the ignition, and turned. And the motor sputtered.

"Oh fuck you!" She screamed, slamming her hands into the steering wheel. It took a few more punches, and a lot more screaming, before it finally roared into life, and she peeled out of the parking lot. And she forced herself to drive the speed limit. Her heart was slamming in her chest, and she was shaking like a leaf. Now that she was stuck at a red light, the adrenaline evening out, she took a shaking breath. It suddenly occurring to her that rushing to the maniacs house might not be the best idea ever.

But she had to know. She knew she'd never see him again if she didn't go herself. He'd promised to stay away from her, and she had no doubt that that is exactly what he would do. And she'd never sleep again not knowing if he was back or not. So she kept driving. From one end of the city to the other. Until she pulled up into the little shithole that she almost lost her life in. It looked entirely uninhabited, save for the tiniest sliver of light peeking out from one of the boarded windows. Well… that was promising.

Devi all but lept out of her car, and closed the door as quietly as she could behind her. Her boots made glomping noises as she made her way up to the door, she steeled herself, and took a deep breath, knocking softly. She waited. Nothing. She knocked again, louder this time. Still, nothing. But she couldn't shake the feeling that he _was _ in there, somewhere. Maybe he was busy? The thought of what he might be busy with crossed her mind, she cringed, but put her hand on the handle anyways, she turned, and it gave. The door swung into the dimly lit room with a squeak. She was immediately hit with a smell that was all too familiar to her, a dusty scent, tinged with earth and blood. It assailed her nostrils, and nearly knocked her onto her ass. The moment the smell hit her nose she had a flash to that night.

A glint of metal in an otherwise darkened room, his voice, mumbling madly to himself. The maniacal look in his eyes. She felt her heart choke for a moment, a shiver tearing through her. Oh shit, fuck, what the hell was she doing here? Was she really doing this?! _Christ Devi, get it together. _She stepped through the door, the worn through, threadbare carpet only barely muffling her footsteps. The house was quiet, And she kept herself braced to take off if she needed to. but still ventured more into the house.

Clutter was everywhere, broken chairs, overturned tables, glass.. blood stained childrens toys. She gulped but still kept going. There were only four rooms upstairs, and she covered them all in a matter of seconds. She frowned, maybe he just wasn't home? She could wait, for a bit, not having to be to work until later that evening. It was still just barely after noon.

The moment Devi's butt touched the couch she heard a scream tear it's way up from seemingly right beneath her. It forced her to jump up, and she looked around the room wildly._The fuck? _She wondered, and her eyes fell on a door she hadn't noticed before. It was right across the room, and once again, going against her better instincts, she opened it. The room beyond was dark, but she could just make out a ladder that seemed to lead down into checked her pockets for her knife, in case this got bad, And jumped down into the room, he feet hit the bare wood with a thud. Once again, it was dimly lit, but bright enough so she could make out several dried, brown stains on the floor, walls and ceiling. She didn't even have to ask what it was. And with a shake of her head, she made her way across the room to a stairwell, that lead deeper into the Earth.

The farther she descended, the colder it got, and she had to hug her coat around her tight. She passed through several rooms, each of them empty, but all of them covered in old blood. Some of them contained machines that… she could only imagine what the hell they did. Every one of her better instincts was screaming at her to get the fuck out of there while she still could, but again and again, she ignored them. She heard another scream, this one much closer. And she picked up speed, passing through more and more rooms, until she sound seemed to come from right around the corner.

Devi took a deep breath, and pressed back against the wall, just listening for a moment.

"So… then I got to Texas, and damn, let me tell you… it was terrible. Those people… just as ignorant as anyone else in the world, only with guns. Not that they did them any good, mind. But it was cute to see them think that they were going to save their lives! Though… killing a man with his own gun lacks the same sort of poetry as killing a man with his own sword. It's not really as satisfying." She heard Nny saying, sounding like he was having the a normal, average conversation. She could heard sobs, assuming from whoever he had in there. Shit. This meant he was armed. Bad plan, Devi!

"Eh, but none of it really mattered anyways. I didn't do what I wanted to do… just left a trail of bodies all over the country." Nny sighed, and she heard another scream. Devi flinched, and had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming herself. _Okay Devi, you know he's alive,, now get the fuck out of here! _ She nodded, finally agreeing with her mind, and turned to head back up out of the basement. "I couldn't stop thinking about her…" Devi froze again, her breath catching in her throat. His voice started to drop, the previous humor gone. She could only just hear him over the sobs of whoever he had in there. "I left, so she would never have to worry about me again. So she could forget, and I could forget her. But… I just couldn't. She was always there, in my mind. Her smile, green eyes. God… she's beautiful. You don't even know." Another scream. This time Devi didn't jump. "And I fucked it all up, I was weak, and I ruined the only good thing that's ever happened to me in my life. And…." His voice died off, and she heard a horrible ripping noise, accompanied by a scream that seemed to shake the whole house, the gurgling.. then nothing. She forced herself to breath, again driven by forces that felt out of her control. She stepped into the doorway.

"Nny…"

Johnny dropped the hook that was in his hand, he was covered in blood. Hands, arms, it was even up to his neck, at least what she could see of it. He turned towards her, his hands immediately coming up to his head, and he gripped his hair. "Stop it…" he whimpered. Devi blinked.

"Nny, it's me." She said again, and he shook his head violently.

"No it isn't! You're never real! You're never really there!" He screamed at her. And she felt her heart fracture. He thought she was a hallucination. God… how long had his mind been doing this to him? She took a step towards him, just as he fell to his knees, still holding his head in his hands.

Devi crossed the room quickly, for once not caring about the blood she was stepping in. She knelt down next to him, and carefully reached out, resting her hand on his shoulder. He flinched, and grabbed her wrist, his grip surprisingly strong for his size. His eyes snapped to hers, and she tried to keep herself calm, but she knew she was failing. "Johnny…" she cooed. And he seemed to fade out for a moment, before his eyes came into focus.

"...Devi?" He whimpered, She nodded. And he shook his head. "You can't be Devi. She hates me. She'd never come here…." And he let her wrist drop, Devi wanted to cry, and she grabbed him by the shoulders, making him look at her.

"Nny, it me, I swear." He looked away from her, and she shook him again. "Johnny! Look at me!" This wasn't at all what she had expected. Not that she had really know what to expect in the first place, but this… this was just wrong. His eyes snapped up again, and she raised a hand to his cheek, stroking his skin, not paying any mind to the blood. He looked strung out, and if she didn't know any better, she'd say that was the exact problem. His face was more angular than it used to be, skin sallow and gaunt, his eyes were dull, seeming sunken deep into his skull. She looked down at his trembling form, yeah, he'd lost weight too. Though how that was possible, she didn't know. "Johnny, when was the last time you slept?"

He groaned and shook his head. "I can't sleep.. if I sleep I'll dream about her…"

"Johnny, I'm right here….." Devi whimpered. He heart was breaking. And he just sighed, and looked down. "Come on… let's go upstairs." She mumbled, pulling him up off of the floor. He didn't put up a fight, and let her guide him back up into the house. By the time they reached his bedroom, he was slumped against her, with his head on her shoulder. She sat him down on the bed, and peeled his bloody shirt off of his body. The sight it left behind made her want to cry. Protruding ribs, hip bones, his abdomen seemed to be caved in. There were hundreds of scars, it was painful to see. "Oh god Nny…" She whispered, using the clean sleeve of the shirt to wipe the blood off of his face and neck. He was far too gone to really notice what was going on, or that she'd even said anything.

Devi guided him onto his back, and pulled off his boots, setting them next to the bed. He looked like he was already out. She tucked the old, moth eaten blanket around his body. Deciding that she would wait here until he woke up. She had a few personal days saved up at work anyways, and as she pulled away from him he grabbed her wrist again. He eyes were closed, and he looked like he was sleeping, but he held onto her tight. Devi couldn't help the small smile that graced her lips. She toed her shoes off, and climbed onto the bed next to him. slipping her arms around his thin frame.

Nny slipped under in a matter of minutes. Honestly, he couldn't have been able to say the last time he'd slept, pretty sure that he'd topped his own record this time around. He'd been hallucinating for almost two weeks now, It was torturous, and took him the first week to realize what was happening. He knew what that meant, his body was starting to shut down. And he just wanted to let it. So he'd fought and pushed, living off of coffee and tea for weeks. Lately he had huge blank spots in his memory. He'd been shaking uncontrollably, getting violently ill. He knew it was a matter of time, so when he found himself surfacing out of sleep he wasn't too surprised, just disappointed that he was actually waking up. I would have been too fucking much to ask to just stay under forever.

Johnny kept his eyes squeezed shut, willing himself to go back under. That last dream had been so wonderful. Devi had been there, and she was holding him, he'd fallen asleep with his head on her chest. He could swear he could still smell her, vanilla and strawberries, and something so distinctly… Devi. God, this was hell. But he still found himself snuggling into the warmth and smell. He'd just convinced himself that he would stay right there, until he heard something clank into the floor, followed by a softly uttered "fuck". Nny suddenly found himself very awake, bolting upright.

He was in his bed…? How the hell… He shook his head and untangled himself from the blankets and stood up. He had to grab onto the dresser to keep from falling back down. Oh, he felt like hell. _What the fuck…_ he groaned internally, noting the bloody t shirt on his floor next to his boots, which were set nearly off to the side. Something was very fucking wrong here. Another sound snapped him back to attention, and he grabbed his baseball bat off of the top of the dresser.

Nny walked through the house deathly quiet, he knew every loose floorboard, every creaky spot. The noises were coming from the kitchen, but now he could smell… cheese? Someone was in his kitchen… cooking? With his brow drawn together, he stepped into the doorway of the kitchen and froze. Devi… was standing in his kitchen… No. Fuck! The hallucinations were supposed to stop after he slept!

The bat clattered to the floor, and it made the purple haired woman jump and turn around quickly. Her hand was pressed against her chest, she had a spoon in her free hand. She was in nothing but a pair of black shorts and a very thin white tank top over a black bra. God he hoped those were paint stains….

"Nny," His eyes snapped back to hers, she was smiling. Nny rubbed his eyes.

"Devi…" He blinked, like he was trying to clear his eyes. He shook his head. "Does this shit never end….?"

"Hey,"She said, dropping the spoon back in the pan and crossing the room to him. She slipped her hand into his and his eyes snapped to it. "Do I feel like a hallucination?"

Nny froze, his breath caught in his throat. This was real. She was here. And she was touching him, and cooking food in his kitchen and… "W-what are you doing here?"

Devi sighed and gave his hand a squeeze before returning to the stove. "Go sit down.. we can talk in a minute, ok?" She didn't wait for him to say anything, and just went back to what she was doing. Nny blinked, what the hell was going on? _You're still asleep, just go along with it. _He thought, shuffling sleepily to the couch and plopping back onto it. He dropped his head into his hands, awake or asleep it didn't matter, he was doomed to this torture until he found a way to actually end himself.

Johnny looked up at the sound of footsteps, Devi was carrying two bowls, she sat one in front of him, and took the spot on the other side of the couch, with her legs tucked under her body. Nny looked at the bowl, macaroni and cheese. It suddenly occurred to him that he hadn't eaten in about three days. And his stomach suddenly made itself known. He groaned and grabbed the bowl, setting it in his lap. "Did you sleep good?" She asked, her voice was soft. Exactly what an angel should sound like. Too bad Nny knew better.

"I'll let you know as soon as I wake up…" He mumbled, taking a bite of the food, which tasted pretty damn good for being imagined. Devi sighed.

"Nny, you're not asleep…"

"Then why are you here?!" He snapped, getting quickly tired of this dream. Again, Devi sighed.

"I was worried about you… " She confessed, plunking her fork back into the bowl. "You disappeared, and I just…" Devi sighed, she seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "Then when I heard about the… thing… yesterday. I, just needed to know it was you."

"But you hate me…." He said after chewing for a moment. Damn this was good.

"I did… things change…"

"What things?"

"Does it matter?" Devi sighed, something in her eyes told him that whatever it was, he was going to get to know about it. So he shrugged.

"Guess not…" Before he knew it, his food was gone, and he actually felt full for the first time that he could remember in, well, ever. "I still don't believe that this isn't a dream…" he commented, and Devi frowned, after setting her bowl down she scooted closer to him, turning his face so he was looking at her. He smiled, her eyes looked so real, and then…

SMACK!

"What the hell?!" He yelled, raising his hand to his assaulted cheek.

"Did that feel like a dream?" She asked, clearly feeling nothing for smacking him across the face. A light seemed to dawn in his eyes, and before Devi knew it, she had a lap full of crying Johnny. He'd all but thrown himself at her, burying his face against her chest. After the shock wore off, she put her arms around him, holding him close, stroking his back.

She honestly had no idea how long they sat like that. but eventually, slowly, Nny's sobs tapered off into hiccuping whimpers. Devi nuzzled her cheek against his, then gave it a soft kiss. It took a few more moments before he finally pulled back, wiping his eyes furiously with his hands. "I'm so sorry, Devi…" He whispered, not looking up at him. "For everything, I just…"

"Hey," She smiled, pulling him back to her. "I forgave you a long time ago." That caused Nny to blink, the furrow his brow. Again, he had the feeling that he wasn't going to get to hear this story, but, when he really thought about it, he didn't much care. Devi was here, with him right now.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness…"

"But you have it anyways." She said softly, bringing his eyes to hers. "Stop fighting for once, please? Can we just enjoy the moment… without knives this time?" Nny didn't know how to respond, so he simply nodded, and Devi's face inched closer to his. He tensed, but didn't pull back, and gasped softly when he lips ghosted against his. He let his eyes slip closed, and she came back, this time pressing her lips to his. It was soft, and gentle, and sweet. And it almost made Johnny cry. This wonderful feeling bubbling in his chest, this is what he'd almost denied himself of? God, he was an idiot.

-O-

A/N: Another silly little ficlet, this is unrelated from all my other you enjoyed.


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